Me: -ahem- Mirror, mirror on the wa-
Mirror: Oh shut the fuck up.
Me: What?
Mirror: You do this every day. Nothing’s changed, OK? You’re still fat.
Me: But I’ve been on a diet! I've been exercising!
Rice: Eat me!
Weighing Scale: Don’t worry, you’ve already lost one whole kilo.
Me: See?
Mirror: Hmm... your chest does look smaller. Your arms too.
Me: Hey!!! -pause- They don't, do they?
Weighing Scale: Don’t listen to him. You’ve done very well.
Rice: Eat me!
Mirror: Can someone shut that thing up?!
Me: I could always just... eat it.
Weighing Scale: No!
Mirror: And you wonder why you're still fat.
Me: I think I need a third opinion.
Tight T-shirt: Dah-ling, you know I love you but... you could do with losing a bit more weight.
Mirror: Thank you!
Rice: Eat me!
Weighing Scale: He's not fat! He's lost a kilo, remember? That's a lot.
Tight T-shirt: It's just that I'm getting stretched ever so slightly around the waist and-
Mirror: See? Fat!
Me: I've cut down on the carbs, I've been watching the calories - shit, I've even switched to Diet!
Mirror: Really. So how come you've been eating bread?
Rice: Eat - I'm sorry, what?
Mirror: Yup. Toaster told me yesterday.
Toaster: Leave me out of this!
Rice: You've been eating bread?!
Me: But I'm not doing Atkins anymore - I'm now on the Glycemic Index Diet! I can have some carbs, as long as they're complex.
Rice: Eh?
Me: It's just low GI soy and linseed bread. I can have it 'cos it won't make my sugar levels go crazy. Complex carbs, you see.
Rice: I'm complex.
Me: No, you're simple.
Mirror: He's being kind. You're a fucking Grade-A retard. Any thicker and you'd be porridge.
Rice: Don't eat bread. Eat me!
Weighing Scale: I must say, it sounds a little dodgy...
Me: Trust me, this bread is allowed.
Tight T-shirt: But are you supposed to eat four slices every day?
Mirror: FOUR SLICES?!
Me: Uh...
Tight T-shirt: Yup. With cheese. And tuna mayo filling.
Me: Traitor! You're supposed to cover for me!
Tight T-shirt: I'm finding that harder and harder to do these days, luv.
Mirror: This just gets worse.
Tight T-shirt: -giggle- Then he had SIX pork ribs for dinner.
Me: You are so going to the charity shop.
Mirror: Let's not forget that gigantic hunk of roast beef.
Weighing Scale: -sigh- I remember that.
Tight T-Shirt: Me too. It wasn't a good day for me. I wish he wouldn't wear me when he binges... I am couture, you know...
Me: That was protein!
Tight T-Shirt: Protein, schmotein. You're supposed to eat less when you diet, pumpkin.
Me: Listen, I can't get full without rice or noodles. So I eat... more.
Weighing Scale: Doesn't that uh, defeat the purpose?
Rice: Eat me!
Mirror: Well, this certainly explains a lot.
Me: Christ in a pie. Losing weight's hard, OK?
Mirror: Like you would know.
Weighing Scale: I think maybe you should cut down on the quantities...
Me: I'm doing the best I can! Fuck! This is driving me crazy!
Tight T-Shirt: You're having an argument with us. Too late, sistah.
Rice: Eat me!
Mirror: Seriously, someone shut that thing up.
Me: I'm going to KFC.
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mamee luvs this ..taken from tazie's blog
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